This Week's Favorites- July 31, 2008

How to get garden seeds using grocery store/farmer's market veggies at Fast Grow The Weeds.

Connecting with your kids through yoga at 5 Minutes For Going Green.

Simple Mom interviews Amanda Soule. This interview is a lot about how she balances spending time with her children with her own chores and creativity; this is something I really struggle with, so I appreciate her ideas. And Simple Mom is giving away Amanda's book, "The Creative Family".

Fun kid crafting with watercolors and coffee filters at Let's Explore.

Kathie of Two Frog Home makes some choices about how to live her life more fully.

Ann McMaster of Life As It Is writes about taking a stand on how we choose to be.

Not Dabbling in Normal

I've been learning that my worth doesn't come from other people. I often want it to-- I want my husband and children and parents and friends and siblings to tell me how beautiful I am, how perfect I am, how much they adore me, how I should never change. I want them to be the perfect loved ones, and then I'll know they love me and I'm OK. But they aren't perfect, and they don't generally shower me with compliments. And even when they do, I don't really believe them.

The truth is that whether I believe them or not, I am loved and I am OK as I am. I don't want to look for love and worth from others, and I don't want to compare myself to other people, trying to be like them or different from them; instead I want to be fully, completely, authentically, curiously, creatively, lovingly ME. Only from that space can I take in the compliments I do get and spread more compliments to others. The only comparing I want to do is with myself, by continually clarifying my purposes, getting more intentional, learning how to improve in different ways, taking responsibility for my actions, and going for deeper connections.

When Kathie invited me to be part of a collaborative blog project called Women Not Dabbling in Normal, I realized that, for me, calling myself "not normal" doesn't mean I'm comparing myself to others, but that I am on my own glorious path of purposefulness. I'm honored to say that I've joined a group of amazing women who will sing the songs of their lives in Women Not Dabbling in Normal. There are 6 of us-- Kathie from Two Frog Home, Robbyn from The Back Forty, Kristine from Dancing in a Field of Tansy, Gina from Caludron Ridge Farm, Phelan from A Homesteading Neophyte, and me. We each post one day per week (I'll be writing on Mondays), with Fridays reserved for answering reader questions. I hope you'll check it out; I'm looking forward to what comes.

The Art of Praise

How do we create and maintain successful relationships with our mates, our children, our parents, our friends, and even ourselves? John Gottman tell us to improve and sustain our relationships by looking for opportunities to turn toward, or emotionally connect with, one another. His research shows that successful couples have 5 positive interactions for every one negative interaction. That means we add 5 to the relationship account for every 1 withdrawal. How do we find 5 positives?

One way is through appreciation, admiration, or praise. Appreciation acknowledges the importance of the other. It means taking time to notice what they do, the little things, the tiny wonderful things about them. It means being present, seeing to the heart, and experiencing gratitude. These are the soil of a fertile relationship. My greatest struggle is that I get spun up in cloud of activities and distractions so that I fail to stop and notice, pay attention to little things, and appreciate. Or maybe my greater struggle is that I am so afraid of failure that I don't allow myself to give and receive admiration.

Here is excellent support for the art of giving and receiving praise from I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook (read the whole article if you can, it is short and fabulous):

A four step program for giving your partner praise

1. Notice when your significant other does something you really appreciate.
2. Clear the chatter in your mind. You don’t have to say just the right thing. You won’t lose points in the relationship game. In fact, you’ll probably gain them, though that’s not the primary objective here.
3. Be sincere in your acknowledgment. Speak from your heart.
4. Give your partner an ample opportunity to take in your praise before moving on. If you think he or she has deflected it, you might gently ask, “Did you get what I just said? I really meant it.”

A three step program for accepting praise

1. When your partner (or someone else) is acknowledging you, stop for a moment, breathe deeply and take in the meaning of the words being spoken.
2. Accept what is being said as the truth.
3. Smile and say “thank you.”

How do you express appreciation? Do you find giving or receiving praise challenging? What are other ways you create positive connections in your relationships?


Related posts:
Making Marriage Work
Parent Training
Our Children Are Our Best Teachers

Making Marriage Work

Photo by Hamed

Marriage is a challenge, especially with young children in the mix. Often Matt and I whiz past each other all day, busy with demands of work and kids, without even noticing one another. And when we do find time together at the end of the day, we're tired out or have only a few minutes before it's time for bed. Or lately, Matt is gone playing music so much that he's hardly home at all. Needless to say, the tension builds until we take some time to be together.

I think I'm due for another dose of John Gottman, a researcher known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis through scientific direct observations. His recommendations are practical and simple, and they go go hand in hand with easy exercises to put his ideas into practice. He recommends that partners get to know each other, nurture their admiration for one another, look for opportunities to connect, and negotiate conflict using techniques like softening the start-up, yielding to your partner, actively listening, taking a break when getting to upset, and even how to end an argument with gratitude.

I often believe I need lots and lots of time with Matt to maintain our relationship, but Gottman made a surprising discovery in his research: A follow-up of successful couples showed him that they were only devoting an extra five hours a week to their marriage. From The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, here is what these couples were doing with their 5 hours:

Partings. Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you've learned one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day. (2 minutes per day, 10 minutes per week)

Reunions. Be sure to engage in stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday. (5 minutes per day, 35 minutes per week)

Admirations and appreciation. Find some way everyday to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse. (5 minutes per day, 35 minutes per week)

Affection. Kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other during the time you're together. Kiss before going to sleep. Lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner. (5 minutes per day, 35 minutes per week)

Weekly date. This can be a relaxing, low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions to learn about one another. (2 hours per week)

Simple. Practical. Sensible. And yet so challenging. But certainly the way to honor, value, and maintain a healthy partnership.

What do you do to keep a healthy partnership? Do you use the techniques listed here? How do they work for you?


Related posts:
Jess Loves Matt
The Intentional Family
Winning at Parenting through Trust

Simplifying

I am organized. I always have been. As a child my room was kept in order, as a youth I actually decluttered my friends rooms for them, as a young adult I pissed off most of my roommates with my need to rearrange and keep things spotless, and today I continue to amaze people who come into my home and see it clean and clutter-free. All I know is I feel calm and clear in a clean space, chaotic and stressed in a messy environment. As I move through my home throughout the day, my habit is to straighten, wipe, put away, and find things I can get rid of.

I love to get rid of things. I feel such a rush when I clear out piles of things from my home. I feel energized and lighter when I let go of things, and more free as I unbind myself from having to stay attached to things I don't like (if I don't like a shirt, for example, getting rid of it gives me freedom to find a different shirt that makes me feel beautiful). Feng Shui says the energized feeling we get from decluttering has to do with clutter keeping our energy stuck, while simplifying allows our energy to move more freely. Not to mention that having stuff means you've got to manage it, deal with it, fix it when it breaks, and find a spot for it.

Makes sense, right? Sure, but what about the times you get cool things for free, like this fun Fountain Jet Home Soda Maker that my husband has been loving using to make fizzy drinks, or this table-top rotisserie I found at the thrift store? These are cool, helpful, unique items to keep and use now and again, yet when I look at them on my counter or taking up a whole shelf I feel the "too much clutter" feeling bubbling inside me. Is it worth keeping around, or is better to keep things simple? How much do I need? How much do I want? My feeling is that simpler is better, but then again that rotisserie keeps our house from heating up in summer, and the soda maker gives us refreshing summer beverages. I'm in a quandry.

Will you help me? Tell me, what would you do? Keep it or let it go? How do you decide?


Related posts:
My Most Important Things
Creating Conscious Commitments
The Intentional Family

This Week's Favorites- July 24, 2008

Nourished magazine has wonderful, nourishing, helpful articles. Like this one, Growing Healthy Children in a Fast Food World.

We're not even close to Kindergarten, and we're planning on homeschooling anyway, but for those whose children are in school, Amy at Let's Explore has posted great ideas for maintaining a healthy attachment with school-bound kids.

Jean at The Artful Parent has brought up a good question about kids and whether or not they should watch TV. I feel really satisfied without a TV for my kids to watch. We do have a computer that Matt and I use at night to watch movies (although one movie takes us about a week to get through), but the computer is unavailable to the kids during the day. Without the option to watch, I don't get hassled about it, I don't have to continually say no, and I get to watch my kids using their creativity and imaginations!

An interview with Amanda Soule, "Soule Mama", about creative exploration with kids.

My personal hero has a blog. Her name is Ann and she is a More To Life trainer. Here is an interview with Ann if you'd like to learn more about her.

New Favorite Books on Garden, Food, and a Green Home

Recently I deleted a large amount of books from my Half.com Wishlist. I decided that rather than spend lots of money buying books I'm not totally sure I want, instead I would borrow them from the library first, look through them, and then choose to add them back onto the list if I feel they are a fit for me. This method supports me to be careful to select only the books I feel truly excited about and that I will use again and again. The down side is that I have a HUGE list of holds at the library, and sometimes they all become available at the same time, which can be stressful for me. But then again I do look through them faster than I would if I were buying them, and I get to dramatically toss the horrible ones to the side and triumphantly hold the best ones over my head with a shout of victory. But then there's the problem of all the books I'm adding back onto my Wishlist...

Here are just a few of my recent favorites:

Roots, Shoots, Buckets & Boots: Gardening Together with Children. I LOVE this book. Sharon Lovejoy gives practical, specific, easy, and fun ideas for gardening with children. She suggests a variety of kid-favorite plants and garden themes, like the pizza garden, the moon garden, and the snacking and sipping garden. And it's got colorful cute hand drawings throughout it.



The Joy of Pickling: 200 Flavor-Packed Recipes for All Kinds of Produce from Garden or Market. I looked through several different food preservation books and this one stood out as my absolute favorite. Easy to read, simply designed, thorough, and it includes lacto-fermentation in addition to the usual canning and vinegar preserving. And lots and lots of good-looking recipes.



The Carbon-Free Home: 36 Remodeling Projects to Help Kick the Fossil-Fuel Habit. This book is not actually from the library. It (and the book below) was sent to me by Chelsea Green, a publishing company that benefits our world with superb books about sustainable living. This book features 36 home projects, some easy and some difficult, for both home owners and renters to live a less fossil fuel dependent lifestyle. The simple instructions alleviate the intimidation I feel when I hear people talking about renewable energy and green homes, cause now I know I can go to this book and look it up!



Four-Season Harvest: Organic Vegetables from Your Home Garden All Year Long. This might be my new favorite gardening book. Eliot Coleman caught my interest right from the start when he talks about how having a year-round garden gives you fresh veggies without the stress of planting a new garden every year and spending so much effort preserving the harvest. You just tend your garden, all year long. The book moves through all the usual areas of organic gardening (soil, compost, planting, planning, etc), but it's is a lot more specific than most gardening books I've read. And the emphasis is on how to garden so you've got freshies in every season.

I'll post more of my favorites as they roll in from the library. I really do have a giant list of holds.

Have you read any of these? What did you think? Have any to add to the list?


Related posts:
Plenty: An Experiment in Eating Locally
Turds to Tomatoes: Composting Humanure
Garden, Not Lawn

My Most Important Things

At the end of each day I start evaluating what I did that day and how it did or didn't work for me. The end of the day is not generally the best time for evaluation, as it often ends up with me feeling guilty for all the ways I think I did horribly. But after I tell the truth about what I did well and where I'd like to improve, I remember the parts of my life that are the most important to me. These are the things that I always come back to, no matter how crazy my life is or how off-track I get. These are the things I struggle with, put off and find ways around; yet I keep being drawn back into them, recommitting to them, and finding peace and purpose in them.

My Husband. Enjoying his partnership, opening up to his love and affection, being grateful for him, remembering our friendship, and having fun with him.

My Children. Connecting, playing, teaching, and training them. Being available for them, creative with them, and enjoying being with them.

My Physical and Spiritual Health. Exercising, relaxing, getting enough sleep, eating well. Taking time to reflect, be quiet, experience gratitude, process and journal. Acknowledging myself, others, and Life.

My Interests. Creating spaces for gardening, practicing piano, reading books, and blogging. I also want to learn to batik so I can make art for my home. Finding times for these activities in the short spaces I have available between my other responsibilities (i.e. my kids).

My Relationships. Putting myself out in the world to know and be known by others. Making friends and trusting them and myself when I'm with them.

Money. Partnering with Matt, being creative and frugal, spending within my budget, keeping our overall vision and purpose.

What are your most important things? Do you struggle with them? How do you keep yourself going for them?


Related Posts:
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Updated Health Commitment
Creating Conscious Commitments

Wild Summertime Adventures

I've been noticing how joyful I feel when I let myself play outside with children. I think I always knew how freeing, creative, and interesting it is to find treasures and adventures in nature, but this summer I've been reveling in it with my kids. After a long, cold spring and a desperate need for some sun, I decided early in the season to enjoy our short summer as much as possible. Then after reading Last Child In The Woods, I felt even more certain about spending our summer exploring outside. Since then I've been on an adventure to search out cool spots, create with sticks and rocks, play in water, dig in dirt and mud, hide under low trees, and generally allow myself to explore. The most exciting thing is that adventures happen where I least expect them to.

In what appears to be just a giant field with a plastic playground, we found a hidden mud spot where we got nice and dirty.

Then we washed off in a perfect kid-sized wading pool made by a small rainwater flood in the grass.

Adventures can even be found in the backyard with a bucket, some dirt and some water.


Related Posts:
Playing in Nature
Springtime Fun
Together In The Woods

This Week's Favorites- July 17, 2008

I just found the Simple Mom blog and I am enjoying it. She's got some guest posters this week, and I've been loving those posts as well. Here's one from Rachel at Small Notebook on the benefits of not being perfect. And another one from Heidi at Mt. Hope Chronicles on creative ways to display art in your home.

Speaking of Mt. Hope Chronicles, her beautifully decorated home is inspiring me to be more intentional about how I create beauty in my own home.

And Small Notebook is a great blog with a similar focus as mine. Check out her July is No Spend Month project.

Finally, Fast Grows The Weeds posts great gardening lessons and tips like this one about summer planting for fall.

Forgiveness and Love

Thanks to those of you who posted loving comments to support me through my struggles. I appreciate my blog because through it I get to feel connected to a wide, interesting, and caring community. I am not completely back on track with how I want to be in my life, but I am getting closer.

I've been challenged by those in my life I feel closest to, and am working on loving and trusting those people by using a forgiveness exercise I learned at More To Life. In this forgiveness process I take a good hard look at the resentment I hold toward someone, I see why I like holding onto this resentment (I get to be right, I get to not trust), and I confess the cost of holding the resentment (I don't sleep, I feel tired, I'm not being a kind parent, I feel disconnected). In the end, the cost of resentment is too great to merit carrying it around. So I forgive, choosing to let go of my piss-off, see the person and situation from a place of creativity and understanding, and accept life as it is and others as they are.

But I still feel icky. The problem is, I'm still resenting myself, believing I'm not cared about, alone, and not good enough. So no matter how much I go for accepting others, I don't think it will work until I love ME, warts and all. I'll talk to my support partner about it and decide what I need to do to get back in touch with accepting, honoring, and acknowledging myself. I'm sure when I look past all the ways I believe I'm NOT, I might be able to see many ways I AM. The good things are just so hard to see sometimes.

The other thing I realized is the month of July is a wild time for my husband, the musician. There are lots of gigs happening, and while he's away I get to be a lone mommy. I think I need some more help, and some space for myself once in a while.

Does anyone relate to this stuff??



Related posts:
My Struggle With Living Purposefully
Confessions of a Mother
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Beautiful Montana

I thought I'd share some photos from my parents' trip out here last week. Mom said she wanted to be famous, so I said I'd give her some time in the spotlight on my blog. Here you go, Mom!

Isn't Montana beautiful?

Oh Poor Me

I haven't been blogging because I've been busy, and tired. My parents came from Pennsylvania this past week for a visit. We went to a variety of lakes, toured Glacier National Park, ate lots of food, played games, worked in the garden, and enjoyed each other. I think we have convinced them to move to Montana, which will be so awesome. The older my kids get, the more I value grandparents. Not only do grandparents help us by giving parenting advice and babysitting, but they LOVE my children, and my children love them. What a gift.

Now that vacation is over I feel off-track in many ways, groping for a way back to clarity and purpose. Troubles are plaguing my husband's side of the family, causing us to react toward one another in ways that are hurtful. I'm learning about the ways I hurt the people I love, how it feels to be on the receiving end of resentment, and how to trust, accept, allow, forgive, and love.

Because of these family issues, along with sadness at seeing my parents leave and having just come out of a week of not exercising, not sleeping well, not eating the way I want to, not reading, not practicing piano, not blogging, and not connecting with my children, I am now feeling lost, sad, and sorry for myself. My daughter is acting out, demanding and disobeying (which is understandable after a week of less sleep, a different routine and hardly any attention from us), which makes me feel irritated, impatient, powerless, and then guilty.

That is where I am right now. Just wanted to check in with you all. I'm sure all will be well again soon...

This Week's Favorites- July 3, 2008

My sister-in-law takes beautiful photographs. Like the ones she took of my children, Cedar and Ashton.

Crunchy Chicken talks about Edible Eco-Lawnscaping. I especially like reading the comments from all kinds of people doing creative things with their yards.

I found a parenting website, The Authentic Parent, with some useful and motivating articles. Getting Out of the Way is one I really enjoyed.

This is so strange and beautiful.

In The Kitchen: Chicken Stock, Yogurt and Kimchi

This week brings another build-up of kitchen projects. I like keeping my family well-nourished, though often it seems like I spend a LOT of time in the kitchen. I've been working on doing one project each day rather than all of them at once, but this day I ended up with a counter full of food-waiting-to-be-made. Here is what I made:

Raw Milk Yogurt- I've never had my homemade yogurt turn out like supermarket yogurt, but this batch is really yummy. I heated about 6 cups of milk on the stove to 110 degrees F-- warm enough for the bacteria to proliferate but not so hot that the enzymes and bacteria present in the raw milk would be killed. I then boiled a tiny bit of water, dissolved 2 teaspoons beef gelatin into the hot water, and mixed the gelatin, vanilla, xylitol and stevia (to taste), and a small container of Brown Cow yogurt in with the warm milk. The mixture went into my yogurt maker (but a yogurt maker is not necessary), incubated overnight and then went into the fridge. In this article "Mother Linda" talks about heating or not heating yogurt, and she makes hers without a yogurt maker.

Chicken Stock-I've read that not only does stock have lots of minerals easily absorbed by our bodies, but it also nourishes our digestive systems with its gelatin. Every week I roast a whole chicken, eat the meat, and toss the bones, along with the organs (I would throw in the head and feet, too, if I could find some), into the stockpot. I add some vinegar, some veggies, and let it simmer (covered) overnight. In the morning I pour the stock into jars and refrigerate and/or freeze them. I use the stock for our morning oatmeal, for soups and sauces, and for drinking (with salt added). Here is an article about stock, which includes recipes for chick, beef, and fish stock.

Kimchi- I usually only make sauerkraut, but I'm trying to branch out. I used the recipe from Wild Fermentation: The Flavor, Nutrition, and Craft of Live-Culture Foods. I cut up about half a head of cabbage (I was supposed to use Chinese cabbage), a few radishes and a couple carrots and let them soak in salt water overnight. The next morning I mixed up a paste of chopped onion, ginger, garlic, cayenne pepper, fish sauce, and kelp and mixed the paste with the drained veggies. I put it all in a jar, weighed it down by setting a glass with water on top of the mixture, and let it sit out until "ripe". Matt really likes it. There are several recipes at Love That Kimchi, and The Ultimate Kimchi Recipe looks like it's worth trying.

What projects are on your kitchen counters this week? What kind of foods do you prepare on a regular basis?


Related Posts:
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