Making Marriage Work

Photo by Hamed

Marriage is a challenge, especially with young children in the mix. Often Matt and I whiz past each other all day, busy with demands of work and kids, without even noticing one another. And when we do find time together at the end of the day, we're tired out or have only a few minutes before it's time for bed. Or lately, Matt is gone playing music so much that he's hardly home at all. Needless to say, the tension builds until we take some time to be together.

I think I'm due for another dose of John Gottman, a researcher known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis through scientific direct observations. His recommendations are practical and simple, and they go go hand in hand with easy exercises to put his ideas into practice. He recommends that partners get to know each other, nurture their admiration for one another, look for opportunities to connect, and negotiate conflict using techniques like softening the start-up, yielding to your partner, actively listening, taking a break when getting to upset, and even how to end an argument with gratitude.

I often believe I need lots and lots of time with Matt to maintain our relationship, but Gottman made a surprising discovery in his research: A follow-up of successful couples showed him that they were only devoting an extra five hours a week to their marriage. From The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, here is what these couples were doing with their 5 hours:

Partings. Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you've learned one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day. (2 minutes per day, 10 minutes per week)

Reunions. Be sure to engage in stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday. (5 minutes per day, 35 minutes per week)

Admirations and appreciation. Find some way everyday to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse. (5 minutes per day, 35 minutes per week)

Affection. Kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other during the time you're together. Kiss before going to sleep. Lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner. (5 minutes per day, 35 minutes per week)

Weekly date. This can be a relaxing, low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions to learn about one another. (2 hours per week)

Simple. Practical. Sensible. And yet so challenging. But certainly the way to honor, value, and maintain a healthy partnership.

What do you do to keep a healthy partnership? Do you use the techniques listed here? How do they work for you?


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