The Art of Praise

How do we create and maintain successful relationships with our mates, our children, our parents, our friends, and even ourselves? John Gottman tell us to improve and sustain our relationships by looking for opportunities to turn toward, or emotionally connect with, one another. His research shows that successful couples have 5 positive interactions for every one negative interaction. That means we add 5 to the relationship account for every 1 withdrawal. How do we find 5 positives?

One way is through appreciation, admiration, or praise. Appreciation acknowledges the importance of the other. It means taking time to notice what they do, the little things, the tiny wonderful things about them. It means being present, seeing to the heart, and experiencing gratitude. These are the soil of a fertile relationship. My greatest struggle is that I get spun up in cloud of activities and distractions so that I fail to stop and notice, pay attention to little things, and appreciate. Or maybe my greater struggle is that I am so afraid of failure that I don't allow myself to give and receive admiration.

Here is excellent support for the art of giving and receiving praise from I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook (read the whole article if you can, it is short and fabulous):

A four step program for giving your partner praise

1. Notice when your significant other does something you really appreciate.
2. Clear the chatter in your mind. You don’t have to say just the right thing. You won’t lose points in the relationship game. In fact, you’ll probably gain them, though that’s not the primary objective here.
3. Be sincere in your acknowledgment. Speak from your heart.
4. Give your partner an ample opportunity to take in your praise before moving on. If you think he or she has deflected it, you might gently ask, “Did you get what I just said? I really meant it.”

A three step program for accepting praise

1. When your partner (or someone else) is acknowledging you, stop for a moment, breathe deeply and take in the meaning of the words being spoken.
2. Accept what is being said as the truth.
3. Smile and say “thank you.”

How do you express appreciation? Do you find giving or receiving praise challenging? What are other ways you create positive connections in your relationships?


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