Winning at Parenting through Trust

For the past few days I've been listening to Gordon Neufeld's seminar "Counterwill In Children". Neufeld teaches us that counterwill is the natural human instinct to resist being coerced and controlled. When we push our children, demanding they do what we want them to, they naturally push back. As parents and teachers, we misinterpret their behavior, perceiving the child's defiance as purposeful rebellion and lack of respect, we label them with disorders or call them "strong-willed", and we even believe that teenage rebellion is a natural "phase". When we believe our children are intentionally pushing our buttons, we push harder, manipulating them with rewards or threats, using punishments like spanking or time-outs, getting angry, or ordering them to do what we say. According to Neufeld, it is our reactivity toward our children-- our continued pushing and trying to control-- that brings out their counterwill. It is not that our children are trying to control us or oppose us, rather they are simply doing what is natural to them: protecting themselves by resisting being controlled by someone they do not feel attached to.

Neufeld posits that it is the attachment relationship that causes children to want to obey. When kids feel connected to their caregiver, they want to please and obey him or her. They want to be loved and accepted as they are, to make their own choices, to follow their leader. There is so much to learn about attachment, and Neufeld explains it really well in his book Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. In this lecture, he teaches us to "collect before direct", meaning before we ask our kids to do anything we should first get their eye contact, smiles and good intentions. Once they feel connected to us, they are more prone to follow our lead and do what they can to please us. In addition, to divert potential battles, he suggests having daily rituals (like clean-up and bedtime rituals) that children can count on. He also tells us that children have a need to find their own will and learn about their own preferences, likes and dislikes. In fact, if they don't find their own will they will not develop as healthy human beings. Rather than impose our will on them we can give them choices, letting them choose for themselves within the limits we set for them (we know we want them to brush their teeth, but rather then fight about it by ordering them to brush, instead we can collect them and then ask them if they want to brush with the red toothbrush or the blue toothbrush). Love and Logic is a great technique that goes right along with this. Love and Logic offers a huge variety of books and CDs with stories and practical ideas for keeping parents in our natural place as leaders while loving our children and letting them learn from their choices.

Neufeld's approach has greatly impacted me. Matt and I decided that for 2 weeks, rather than push Ashton to eat her food like we usually do and getting the usual resistance and dinnertime battle, we will let it go. As a general household rule she won't get dessert with the rest of us if she doesn't eat, but we will let her make her own decision about whether or not she will eat, and we won't push the issue. This is an experiment, and so far it has revealed to me the extent to which I feel afraid about my daughter's eating habits and how deeply I want to control her eating. I believe it is true that because she knows I demand that she eat, she naturally resists. I notice that when I relax about it, she eats. One day she didn't eat anything all day, and I let her not eat even though it was really hard for me, but then the next day she had diarrhea. She knew her body didn't need food, and I am thankful I didn't push her.

I notice this pattern in so many other ways. When I have a night of insomnia, the more I demand that I sleep, the less it happens; however, when I let go and allow it to be as it is, I relax and fall asleep. When Matt and I demand that the other be the way we want them to be, we are met with resistance; yet when we accept one another as we are and make our needs known, we get what we want. I've been reading about homeschooling, and realizing that kids learn best not when they are pushed to learn, but when they are allowed to pursue what they are interested in. With myself, the more I push and demand that I be a certain way or do a certain thing, the more resistance I feel in my body; on the other hand, when I allow myself to learn and do things because I am interested, it all happens effortlessly. The idea of letting go and trusting is in this way is profoundly enlightening and exciting to me, and I really want to put it into practice in my life. It is such an ingrained pattern for me to push, control, and demand; this way of being is a huge change. What would it be like to relax, enjoy, and just be?


Related posts/links:
Courses and seminars by Gordon Neufeld
The Intentional Family
Our Children Are Our Best Teachers
My Struggle With Living Purposefully