My Struggle With Living Purposefully

I've been having some inner turmoil for the past few days, wondering who I am and what my purpose is. I often come back to these questions. For some reason I keep getting off my purpose, even though inside myself I really do know what it is. Why do I do this? Why do I sabotage myself, keep myself from being who I truly am and doing what I truly want? I think this is the fundamental question we have as human beings. This is our struggle, this is why Christians seek Jesus, Buddhist become monks, and people read self-help books and do therapy.

This short article on Sabotaging Behaviors sums up nicely what I believe is happening inside me. I know I've got core beliefs that keep me from being who I really want to be, that keep me locked in my habits, that keep me from trusting, opening, loving, and enjoying. Often I wake up and realize that I've been living under my core beliefs (mine being "I'm a failure so I have to be a better mother, blogger, person, wife, gardener, whatever"), I see the effects of this way of being on myself and my family (I drive myself, get worried and exhausted, spend my time doing instead of being, snap at my husband, ignore my kids, have a flare-up of insomnia, and basically go around feeling stressed), and I know I want to go back to being my true self (loving, fun, light, warm, open, strong, motivated, clear, interested, successful).

Lately I've been getting so consumed with what I think I should be doing that I'm missing what is most important to me-- my mate, my children, myself, and the Divine in and all around us. I want to remember to relax, enjoy, walk purposefully, and let go of what are not my highest purposes.

I have tools to do the work of standing in truth and purpose. My knowledge of and experience with combating my core beliefs comes from the More to Life program. From their website:

"The More To Life course teaches you a series of process skills with specific applications, and each one gives you an opportunity to experience a shift of perspective on everyday life whenever it is used. They include the following:

• Strengthening the will - an exercise of personal discipline in which you give your word to do (or not do) a variety of things during the course. Allows you to see the pattern of your unconscious thinking, and step through it to create what you really want.
• Expanding your personal authority - a process that allows you to take a stand on your true 'yes' or your true 'no' at key moments in your life, without disconnecting from yourself or others.
• Truth-telling - the process of verifying your interpretations of events and clarifying the truth of what is happening, as it happens.
• Choosing - the practice of taking your stand on the way you personally want to be in your life, whatever the circumstances around you.
• Challenging old beliefs - a biodynamic physical exercise that enables you to break free of limiting beliefs you may have been holding about yourself and life.
• Practicing forgiveness - demonstrates why resentment affects us more than those we resent, and teaches you an effective way to let go of it.
• Forgiving ourselves - a way to access accusations and demands you may be holding against yourself, and experience the freedom of letting them go."

The More To Life program has served me well. Even though I fall into my negative beliefs and reactive patterns, I also have awareness, knowledge, and tools for dealing with it. And, I have a support partner to help me. Actually, I have two. Every week I talk with these women and we give and receive support: We help one another live more fully and authentically, we see each others' blind spots (ways we're holding ourselves back and not realizing it), and we basically hold each other up. I didn't have a support partner until last year, and I will never, ever go back to not having one.

So, I can deal with this. I can do my processing, refute the false beliefs, acknowledge myself, and tell the truth. I can let go of my drivenness and get back on purpose. I can keep doing this, over and over again. Maybe the point of being human isn't to "get it" and stop falling back into old patterns, but to keep taking a deep breath and moving forward again... and again... and again... and again...

I can. I will.


I stand in the wholeness of
self-love and acceptance.
Refusing to no longer hate any part of myself.
And now those parts of myself that use to
rage in war with each other,
Stand in agreement and face in the same direction.
And in this unified direction
I now move forward with purpose, potential and power.

by Rita Loyd at Nurturing Art


Related posts/links:
More To Life
Self-Sabotage: The Opposite of Self-Care-- idea for dealing with self-sabotage
Positive Self-Talk
Nurturing Art by Rita Loyd
Our Children Are Our Best Teachers
Confessions of a Mother